The hope and despair cycle

This condition I'm battling, ulcerative colitis, takes a big toll physically.  However, I think the mental impact of the disease is just as serious.  Chronic pain of any kind wears you down.  Many people are lucky and find a medication or routine that works for them.  But others, like me, have a long road to remission.

I alternate between being hopeful about the improvement each day might bring, and dreading the pain or worsening of my condition that I might see each day.  If yesterday was a bad day and I expect today to be a bad day, it's not too difficult to deal with today.  However, if yesterday was a good day and I was hopeful about things improving, a bad day today fills me with despair!  It feels like every time I get my hopes up about my body healing, my hopes are crushed only a day or two later as I spiral downward into pain and bleeding again.  And it just keeps happening, getting harder to deal with each time.  I've been sick long enough!

Many, many people with chronic conditions take anti-depressants to help them deal with the despair.  I've been trying very hard to manage these feelings without any additional medication, because I've already taken enough medication for a lifetime.  I did take prozac for a while after my first baby was born and it definitely helped me stabilize my emotions, but I'd rather not take it if I can help it.

So how do I currently handle bad days?

• I take a lot of deep breaths.
• I take one step at a time, one foot in front of the other.  Kids must get dressed, breakfast must be eaten, diapers need changing.  I have no choice but to plug along, and that really helps!
• I try hard to look at the big picture, most of the time I can say "this morning sucked, but it was better than last week!" (or last year, or that time i was in the hospital, whatever it takes)
• I keep a food journal, sometimes just writing down "Uuuugh!" makes me feel better
• I plan on having stomach problems.  This may be seen as pessimistic, but it helps me avoid disappointment.  I'm selective about social outings and I plan errands for times when my stomach is typically calmer.  Sometimes I feel like a hermit, but most of the time I feel "prepared" to handle set-backs and therefore less stressed.
• I let myself cry if I need to (but that's not very often anymore... dare I say I'm getting used to this crap?)
• I tell someone who cares that I'm having a bad day, with details if I need to.  I don't want to burden anyone with concern for me, but I've come to realize that some people (like family) will worry anyway.  So if telling them the truth about how I'm feeling helps take the edge off, then it's ok to do.
• If it's really bad, I curl up for a nap or a little book time when I can manage a moment (when I should be working or during naptime).  I figure if I've already lost X amount of time because I was in the bathroom, what's 15 more minutes if it will help my head?
• I try to think about good and happy things.  I like to make lists (as you can tell by my tendency to make bullet lists) or look at pictures of my happy smiling kids!

Today is a hopeful day... let's hope tomorrow is too!  Maybe someday I'll get to eat another cookie!