She's Baaa-aaaack!!

The Old Liz is definitely back!

I just struck a deal with myself:

Me:  If you throw out the 2 (almost empty) tubs of frosting in the freezer that you bought last week, you can finish eating the tub of ready-made cookie dough you bought on Monday.

Me: Deal.

Then I executed said deal flawlessly.

This is why yoga pants exist... stretchy so they are comfortable when you eat tubs of cookie dough and frosting, and tight enough to guilt you into doing a few squats or sit-ups when you look in the mirror.  They're the perfect guilt cycle pants.

Grateful Monday?

I cried harder than I have in a long time this morning.  You  know, that little kid tantrum kind of cry, where they pass out?  I need a nap.  My lungs feel so big now that I can breathe again! (Not really anything serious other than the fact that I was very, very offended, frustrated, and hurt - I'm trying to move past it)

My friend makes a habit of listing things she is grateful for every Monday.

I am very grateful for a lot of things this afternoon, such as my recently regained freedom to eat tubs of frosting.  Thank you CVS, that was delicious.

Reality Check

Sooo... I still can't eat whatever I want :(

4 (!!) years ago, I stopped eating gluten to see if a weird abdominal pain I was experiencing would go away... and it did.  Every time I tried eating bread or pasta again, it came back.  I was hopeful that without a large intestine, I could go back to eating normal people food without pain... but the pain has returned.  If I eat gluten occasionally I think I can handle it, but if I eat it several days in a row, I become super uncomfortable.  Last night was AWFUL!  It kept me awake!

So what does my "gluten pain" (as I refer to it) feel like?  Oddly, a bladder infection.  It's a weird bloated/achy/pressure feeling in the vicinity of my bladder, which I've read might actually be my rectum.  When I first started noticing the pain back in 2009, I thought it was my bladder at first, but I noticed that when I peed I didn't feel better... but after a bowel movement the pain went a way.  Sorry if that's too much information, but that's how it is around here.  Now that I temporarily don't poop... I didn't know what to do for pain relief last night!  I still don't know... but luckily it's backed off, now it's just a dull ache.  Last night it hurt to sit or move at all!  I guess that's what I get for enjoying a weekend full of hot dogs, cookies, pasta, cake, fried fish, and beer.  That's enough to make anybody's stomach hurt, right? haha

So... back to gluten free... 95% of the time?

Oops

I really thought that I'd be good about blogging now that I'm getting my life back - but I'm too busy!!  I had hoped that I'd be able to step back into life slowly and keep in control... but old habits are heard to break and I've got right back to eating too many cookies and trying to do too much.  I'm a normal person again, hooray!!!!

What have I been up to, now that I have freedom in a bag?

• NOT TAKING STEROIDS!!!
• The beach!
• Socializing!
• Working - even traveling into my office weekly, I feel so grown up!
• Eating!

Normal person, chilling with her kids in a cardboard house

Look, here I am multi-tasking: Visiting family at the beach in Rhode Island with my kids while eating and speaking Spanish

Fun summer!

I still have so much to catch up on with my never ending to-do list, but at least I feel like the limits have been lifted, and I can do whatever I want to this weekend, as long as I can fit it in!  So far the plans for this weekend include a wedding, a friends/holiday reunion in New Jersey, a pool visit, and possibly a NYC excursion with visiting family... or another bbq.  Plus some new shelving, mowing the lawn, and general homeowner/mom tasks.  So much to do!  And I'm not sick, so I can do it! Yaaay!

Happenings in ostomy life:

• Air filters are tricky, and don't last long.
• I'm allergic to some of the adhesives.
• Fancier does not mean better - Old school can be a lot easier to maintain.
• Dehydration is a SERIOUS danger - I almost went to the hospital!!
• Ordering supplies is super stressful.  Nobody sells ostomy supplies in-store anymore, and if they do, insurance doesn't cover it.  Phone/internet based ordering is confusing and overwhelming for us newbies; I cried when I hung up the phone and I have no idea if I ordered the right things - nor do I know what anything costs!  They don't tell you what the parts cost, only the final price after insurance, so it's really tricky to figure out how many of the "fancy" and "cheap" setups to order!  I have yet to see the bill...  and to find out what I actually ordered, ha.

I'm Inflating!

I've gained 15 pounds, woohoo!  I'm feeling great most of the time, and although I'm still not strong enough to hold the kids for too long or too often, I'm feeling ALMOST NORMAL!!  I haven't been able to say that in several years!!!

Unfortunately, feeling "normal" also seems to mean "can't stop eating cookies" and "starting to feel fat", ha.  I still fit into size 0 pants (amazingly) but I've lost tolerance for the flab left behind when my muscles went away.  Time to exercise!!!!  But I'm still so tired...oh wait, that's because I have 2 kids.  No more excuses!

I tried running a little bit the other day, but I can't handle the jiggle.  Seriously, it's out of control.  One of the many days I was in the hospital I watched "Botched," a show about plastic surgery gone wrong.  One girl had butt implants that turned out to be giant boob implants in her butt.  Jiggle jiggle jiggle!  That's how it feels when I try to run or jump.  Or do a 1990's TaeBo VHS (which, by the way, is really hard!) in the kids playroom.

Speaking of plastic surgery, I recently started considering it for the first time.  **ASHAMED**
I've always been one to support all things natural; I'm a big fan of natural.  I hardly ever wear makeup and I've always been one of those girls who swears they'll never dye their hair when it goes gray.  Well... maybe I've been a jerk, and I apologize to all those people out there that I've secretly judged.  I still think we should all strive to be proud of who we are, embracing our wrinkles and scars as battle wounds or reminders of all the laughing and fun days in the sun... but maybe I'm starting to understand that some people feel that "who they are" might look a little different than what the mirror shows.  For instance... in my head, I have a great chest.  In reality... I used to.  And because of the steroids and weight changes I think I got hit harder than most women, which is something I was mentally unprepared for.  I still don't think I'll have surgery, but the fact that I've started considering it freaks me out.

But I think I have to abandon my "I'm all natural" pride... because I'm not.  I no longer have a large intestine... that's not natural.  What about the follow up surgeries to reverse my ileostomy?  Aren't they kind of like plastic surgery - and maybe slightly narcissistic in nature?  Where's the line between wanting to be normal (not poop into a bag) for medical reasons versus because I want to be just like everybody else and not have to disguise the bag of poop and protruding stoma on my belly?  And perhaps wanting convenience and to be like everybody else is like wanting to have a decent chest again?  Maybe I deserve to have good boobs after all that I've been through...  but then again, I think I'll have had my fill of surgeries.  Push up bra to the rescue!