I'm Inflating!

I've gained 15 pounds, woohoo!  I'm feeling great most of the time, and although I'm still not strong enough to hold the kids for too long or too often, I'm feeling ALMOST NORMAL!!  I haven't been able to say that in several years!!!

Unfortunately, feeling "normal" also seems to mean "can't stop eating cookies" and "starting to feel fat", ha.  I still fit into size 0 pants (amazingly) but I've lost tolerance for the flab left behind when my muscles went away.  Time to exercise!!!!  But I'm still so tired...oh wait, that's because I have 2 kids.  No more excuses!

I tried running a little bit the other day, but I can't handle the jiggle.  Seriously, it's out of control.  One of the many days I was in the hospital I watched "Botched," a show about plastic surgery gone wrong.  One girl had butt implants that turned out to be giant boob implants in her butt.  Jiggle jiggle jiggle!  That's how it feels when I try to run or jump.  Or do a 1990's TaeBo VHS (which, by the way, is really hard!) in the kids playroom.

Speaking of plastic surgery, I recently started considering it for the first time.  **ASHAMED**
I've always been one to support all things natural; I'm a big fan of natural.  I hardly ever wear makeup and I've always been one of those girls who swears they'll never dye their hair when it goes gray.  Well... maybe I've been a jerk, and I apologize to all those people out there that I've secretly judged.  I still think we should all strive to be proud of who we are, embracing our wrinkles and scars as battle wounds or reminders of all the laughing and fun days in the sun... but maybe I'm starting to understand that some people feel that "who they are" might look a little different than what the mirror shows.  For instance... in my head, I have a great chest.  In reality... I used to.  And because of the steroids and weight changes I think I got hit harder than most women, which is something I was mentally unprepared for.  I still don't think I'll have surgery, but the fact that I've started considering it freaks me out.

But I think I have to abandon my "I'm all natural" pride... because I'm not.  I no longer have a large intestine... that's not natural.  What about the follow up surgeries to reverse my ileostomy?  Aren't they kind of like plastic surgery - and maybe slightly narcissistic in nature?  Where's the line between wanting to be normal (not poop into a bag) for medical reasons versus because I want to be just like everybody else and not have to disguise the bag of poop and protruding stoma on my belly?  And perhaps wanting convenience and to be like everybody else is like wanting to have a decent chest again?  Maybe I deserve to have good boobs after all that I've been through...  but then again, I think I'll have had my fill of surgeries.  Push up bra to the rescue!