I'm Inflating!

I've gained 15 pounds, woohoo!  I'm feeling great most of the time, and although I'm still not strong enough to hold the kids for too long or too often, I'm feeling ALMOST NORMAL!!  I haven't been able to say that in several years!!!

Unfortunately, feeling "normal" also seems to mean "can't stop eating cookies" and "starting to feel fat", ha.  I still fit into size 0 pants (amazingly) but I've lost tolerance for the flab left behind when my muscles went away.  Time to exercise!!!!  But I'm still so tired...oh wait, that's because I have 2 kids.  No more excuses!

I tried running a little bit the other day, but I can't handle the jiggle.  Seriously, it's out of control.  One of the many days I was in the hospital I watched "Botched," a show about plastic surgery gone wrong.  One girl had butt implants that turned out to be giant boob implants in her butt.  Jiggle jiggle jiggle!  That's how it feels when I try to run or jump.  Or do a 1990's TaeBo VHS (which, by the way, is really hard!) in the kids playroom.

Speaking of plastic surgery, I recently started considering it for the first time.  **ASHAMED**
I've always been one to support all things natural; I'm a big fan of natural.  I hardly ever wear makeup and I've always been one of those girls who swears they'll never dye their hair when it goes gray.  Well... maybe I've been a jerk, and I apologize to all those people out there that I've secretly judged.  I still think we should all strive to be proud of who we are, embracing our wrinkles and scars as battle wounds or reminders of all the laughing and fun days in the sun... but maybe I'm starting to understand that some people feel that "who they are" might look a little different than what the mirror shows.  For instance... in my head, I have a great chest.  In reality... I used to.  And because of the steroids and weight changes I think I got hit harder than most women, which is something I was mentally unprepared for.  I still don't think I'll have surgery, but the fact that I've started considering it freaks me out.

But I think I have to abandon my "I'm all natural" pride... because I'm not.  I no longer have a large intestine... that's not natural.  What about the follow up surgeries to reverse my ileostomy?  Aren't they kind of like plastic surgery - and maybe slightly narcissistic in nature?  Where's the line between wanting to be normal (not poop into a bag) for medical reasons versus because I want to be just like everybody else and not have to disguise the bag of poop and protruding stoma on my belly?  And perhaps wanting convenience and to be like everybody else is like wanting to have a decent chest again?  Maybe I deserve to have good boobs after all that I've been through...  but then again, I think I'll have had my fill of surgeries.  Push up bra to the rescue!

I'm Eating!

The most common question I get these days is "what are you eating??"

ALL THE FOOD!

I'm eating almost normally!  I'm kind of binge-ing on junk (can of frosting and a spoon anyone?) because a.) I can, b.) I needed to gain weight and c.) I can... but I'm trying to reign it so that I don't get diabetes now that I'm "healthy", hah.  Also, I don't want to go back to being pudgy just yet.

The first week or two I was eating really soft (pudding, yogurt) or highly processed foods (saltines, instant potatoes) because I was so terrified of getting a blockage.  I was really crampy though, so I took out gluten again just in case that was contributing to the general inflammation.

Now that I'm feeling a lot better and gaining confidence in my ability to process food and not get an obstruction (knock on wood), I've been a lot braver and I'm now eating almost everything in moderation, but still sticking to gluten free for another week or two before I test it... and I'm still eating waaaaaay too many cookies and candies and chocolates and sugary foods in general.  Chocolate, how I missed thee!  I've been consistently trying to eat fewer cookies each day, this week and failing miserably - that habit sure came back easily!

I've already regained 10+ pounds! I'm up to 120, hooray!  Now to start gaining some muscle... I tried jogging for a minute the other day while out walking with one of the kids in the stroller, and oh my god the jiggle butt/thigh is a very strange feeling.  I need to fix that ASAP!  On the other hand I think I must look decent despite the jiggle, I got several hello's and head nods and even a honk from an orange sports car.  If you need an ego boost put on some leggings and walk through my neighborhood, haha.

Bag O' Poop

I can't get away from it.

There's a bag of poop attached to me... always.

I'm not grossed out or embarrassed by the ileostomy itself... but there's the poop!

I feel so dirty!!!

No, I don't smell bad.  Thankfully, science has come a long way and that's not an issue.

But it's there... following me around... I don't know if I can get used to this!

In the hospital they start you out with a clear ostomy bag, so that they can see everything, assess swelling and production and tell if everything is in working order easily.  It was also helpful to have a clear bag so that I could learn what was going on, and how to deal with it.

I recently switched to an opaque bag, and it has helped me a lot - at least now I can't SEE the poop all the time... It's still there, but out of sight out of mind to some degree, right?

Weighty Implications

I never imagined I'd be too skinny.  I currently look like I'm anorexic.
Ooooooh Ulcerative Colitis.  You've made me afraid to eat!!

I spent my whole life as the "pudgy" girl, just a little bit overweight (most of the time), because I love cookies too much.

This past year though... has had some extreme highs and lows!

Surprise Surgery! Part 4

So... I guess I wasn't ready for pancakes.

I was getting ready to head home on Thursday, but the weekend's disaster had taught me to be cautious.  The Dr's were all set to discharge me, but Thursday morning came around and I said... I'm feeling pretty bloated and uncomfortable, I think we should wait a bit and see what happens.  Turns out my instincts were right!  Thursday came and went, and nothing came out of my ostomy... so my stomach got bigger and bigger and more and more painful.